tis so sweet to trust in Jesus...

just to take him at his words. just to rest apon his promise. never shall i ever get tired of those words....seek deep deep deep into my soul. penetrate my existence.

my heart's secret desires...

one day ill write them down...one day hopefully soon...

What is holding you back?

ive been very contemplative lately. you may never know that. its all in my head.

today at work i felt so overwhelmed. i had to run an errand that basically was stampled with a huge F for FAIL. As i felt like the world biggest failure walking back from that errand, Jesus opened my eyes to my surroundings.

I noticed all the amazing truth that is on the walls around me (as i am very luck to work in a christian organization).

I cant even remeber it all right now but basically it got me thinking. What is holding me back? It reminds me of that old song, "pushing every hindrance aside, out of my way, i want to love you more"

What is holding me back from doing what i trully desire, what makes me feel alive?

- Fear

- Health Issues

- Rejection

- Comfortability

- Lake of Time (not MAKING the time)

- Not readiness

- Healing

rapha-h found in the verse psalms 46:10 which bascially means:

In the quiet In the stillness I know that You are God In the secret of

Your presence I know there I am restored

tis so sweet to trust in Jesus, just to rest apon his word....

gosh that gives me such i dont even know...my heart just gets so very excited.

He is so worth trusting. so.

to be continued....

My New Heart

soooo 20 years ago today i got a new heart....20 years ago today as a little innocent unknowing 5 year old, i asked Jesus into my heart. did i know what that meant??? i have no idea...if i did or not but Jesus did.

In the last twenty years God and i have deffientely been on a crazy journey. There has been sin, doubt, love, learning, falling, getting back up, falling down again...but one thing has stayed consistent. His love for me. His continual seeking after me. His pateince.

i remeber when i was 5, as a precious little girl, i asking Jesus into my heart, I remeber when i descided that i knew how to live my life better than God, he was there. I remeber when i debated throwing in the towel, so desperately wanting and thinking i knew how to be the happiest, he was there. i remeber when i starting to pursue Jesus as a boyfriend, and daiting him and learning to hear his vioce, he was there... i remeber when i gave JEsus my second decade, wanting it to be his, realizing that only he could fill my deepest longings, he was there, i remeber when Jesus held me as i found out my best friend had died, he was there, i remeber being held over and over again in the next years as i lay in his arms with a broken heart, he was there, i remeber when i descided to trust him, that he he knew best, he was there, i remeber when i realized that i didnt believe that God was good, i knew that he was but i didnt believe it, he was there, and ohhh i remeber how precious it was as he took the lies and replaced them with truth, and as my heart down to its core started to believe that God was good..oh he was there...i remeber when fear use to rule in my heart, and i would tremble wishing i could die as i hid in my closet, my God was there, as i sinned, repented, sinnged repented, oh he was there....hes always been there...the last twenty years is a journey of faithfullness...of God patiently loving his little girl....

"I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you: I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh" Ezekiel 36:26

Song of the day: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j_t_87NyHx0&feature=related

"and if our God is for us then who can stop us!!!??!!? and if our God is with us then what can stand against?!?!?!?!"

Love Woke Me Up...

today has just been wonderful...wonderful...

there has bit alot of chaos lately. unfortutuately i havnt written about it. basically life has been busy with the usual work and social stuff but then my grandma went to be with Jesus...

i really need to write and process about that expierence. ok so i am completely exhausted. completely. and have not been sleeping enough...This morning i woke up in a fright thinking that i had slept and missed my morning meetings. Fortunately when i saw what time it was, i realized that i had awaked 25 minutes(ish) before my alarm was to go off. I felt fresh and awake and instantly felt as if Jesus has woken me up to spend time with him. And that is what i did. and it was glorious!!!!

So i am having a wonderful time hanging out with Jesus on the way to...

to be continued....

april twenty-eth

well...todays a day full of tons of meanings for tons of people. but for me, today...what does today represent?

its wierd not crying, its wierd knowing apart of your past but not feeling it. when i cried, maybe it felt more real. but in a sense. im glad that it doesnt. its nice to be able to move on...but...i will always miss you. just the other night i sat in front of your house and just cried and cried and cried. that was the night or the night before when Jesus said, Ruth you need to let go.

i havnt wanted to, a part of me still doesnt want to. but theres nothing left to hold on. only memories.

your such a precious part of me. ill always have a place for you.

one month till 5 years. oh my goodness child. how time flys. youve been gone now longer than n we were together. but i met you when i was 14, you died when i was 20, started daiting at 16. so ya....gosh=)

you were there...

good morning Jesus=)

guess what? yup your right, im twenty five...sooo i just clicked on my worship play list, wondering what my first birthday song would be: its hosanna. "the old has gone, the new has come" i pray this is true for my next 25 years.

gosh, you above anyone else has truly watched me grow up in the last twenty sixish years. you were there when we were conceinved, you were there when you seperated amanda and i into two. you were there as i grew up, my first step...youve been there for alot of first in my twenty five years, my first heart break, my first devesating devestating heart break. almost five years ago.

you've taught me so much. gosh this is year. i remeber when i turned twenty. i gave that decade to you. well im half way through it. i kinda feel like its been more my decade than yours. lucky you are SUCH a SUCH a good God (which is interesting because ive spend alot of time this decade figuring that out) but since you are so good you have and are redeeming all of this time i spent fighting for the decade instead of surrending it to you.

current song: you cane to find me a mess at the door, how can you choose me when im just begun...i do hope and pray that to be true...i really hope taht ive just begun.

Jesus you make me giddy. i love that youve walked my whole life with me...theres no one else on earth tat i can reminse MY ENTIRE life with but you...i did reminse alot tonight. Jesus alot of life comes and goes...so many pictues just put an ache in my soul...an ache that i will have until i am trully home...

thank you for being my home away from home. in you i have peace...thank you for putting this ache and giddyness in my soul for you. i feel like you are close. i have been craving to feel you close all week...and i just havnt. thank you for meeting me here in the morning of my birthday. what a delightful gift...

you are so faithful...thank you for giving me friends that are delighting in me tomorrow. what a blessing a million blessings to be able to spend the day feeling loved. thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you. Jesus, you know oh how i am falling shot how its hurting me and hurting those you love. whisper your truth and queit guidance...i want to folllow you...

ibelieveyou.itrustyou.

thank you for these words from these years: faith, hope, love, trust.

you were there as i realized that i did not believe that you were good...you were there...you walked me through it...and saw me out...you were there when i went to summer project and found a best friend and accountability partner...you were there when as a little bitty baby i had other little bitty baby twin friends, youve walked with us as we have all grown into 25...lots of ups and downs but you have been there...thank you for brining desiree back again...

thank you for being there....

current song: "how great is out God" you were there the many times when i sat, tears streaming from my eyes...the words couldn;t form on my mouth, my heart believed it, but all i could do was lift my arms to you...

you were there every time i laughed with my wonderful cousins...gosh what a joy and blessing..you were there as we played tod. as we peed on the floor and sang our hearts out, as we broke down cars and laughed out hearts out....

youve been there as ive made amazing friends and lost them as well..

current song: "have your way" you were there this last year as you blessed me beyond belief during the process of amanda gettting engaged and moving away. thank you...

"even when my dreams have died, and even if i dont survive, iill still worship you with all my life"

you were there when you walked with noah, woah...i forget that sometimes. noah deff made some mistakes (slept with his daughter...EWWWWW) but he sure did trust in you. I don't want you to look at me and be dissapointed that you created me. i know that you can't because when you look at me you see Jesus and praise YOU he is perfect...but i do want to make you proud...thanks for being there...

you were there...you are there...

so much has happened in the last 25 years...so many chanegs so many stages...but ive had one constant...you...thank you for walking me through the last 25...im excited to walk with you through the next...

ps. i would like to give you my day. i will deff be tired. id like to focus on others, not myself. id like to choose a delightful mood even when i dont feel it. but i know i cant do that with my blah flesh...walk with me as youve done for the last twenty five years=) i want to give you my partay my expectations my hopes dreams and desires. i want you to be glorified i want you to laugh in delight. thank you for everything thus far. i cant never ever thank you enough. ps. i cant help but think of my dear friend who no longer feels your presence...can you come apon him, or whatever you do...whisper in a STRONG sense into his soul tomorrow...remind him of your presence...that would be pretty special.

you hold my every moment

you calm my raging sea

you walk with me through fire

you heal my dease

i trust in you.

i trust in you.

i believe your my healer

i believe you are all i need.

i love spending time with you...what should i give you for my birthday?

nothing is impossible for you..world race...me changing? you hold my world in your hands...you hold MY world in your hands...nothing is impossible for you...you dont just hold THE world...but you hold MY world...thats speciic...i believe your my hearler...

He replied, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?" Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm. i do want to trust you. i do...

In Christ alone...what if i could trust in christ alone?

there in the group his body lay

light of the world by darkness slay

then hursting forth in glorious day

up from the grave he rose again

and as he strans in victorry

sins curse has lost its grip on me

for i am his and he is mine

brought with the precious blood of christ