getting personal

realizations. i dont express my saddness very often. normally i just get depressed and hold it in. i avoid people when i am sad. i escape to other realities such as my tv shows. oh i love my tv shows. i spent i have no idea how many hours weekend nights i spent with my movies and tv shows last year. last year was rough.

hope. this year has been filled with so much hope. slow healing. geunine happiness. the geunine enjoyment of people more than my other realities. i like how we were created to not be fully independent. we were created with a need for others.

tonight i played volley ball with friends. i messed up alot, but laughed alot. it was great.

today has been filled with so much hope. i do miss my sister though.

fill me up and pour me out

Jesus,

What do we do? My heart hurts. ahhhgg...it aches. I want to do something.

Jesus strip me, prepare me. I want to be your hands for the hurting, i want to hug them, i want to be your feet, i want to go where they are. I want to serve them, and love them. Who can i serve, who can i love?

Jesus there are hurting people right here everywhere, its so hard. Show me how to love and serve. I feel so much but feel so incapable. I want to be filled with you so that i can overflow with your love.

a world with no God

I feel as though i am a pretty emphathetic person. I may not show it, but i feel very deeply and tend to carey others peoples pain. Its not always good because most of the time the feelings cripple me and then i have no idea what to do.

Lately, i have been walking around with this ache on my heart. Everywhere i look there is people hurting. Just last night Haiti got hit with the worst earthquake in 200 years. It feels wrong me sitting at my desk, on a computer while just a few hours away, pure chaos, people are suffering.

I use to have such an issue with pain, be so angry at God for allowing it. But can you imagine a world with no hope, with no God, with no purpose? When pain happens for no reason. No redemption comes from it. People die and thats it. People hurt and thats it. How could people go on with life?

Although i still don't know how to deal with pain and suffering and it still breaks my heart, I am so thankful that there is a God who does. A God who can and will redeem the pain in our lives. Who has a purpose. A loving purpose.

tomorrow. wait later today.

later today is the wedding. the last four months have been a whirl wind of emotions. all ranges.

im tireder than a turtle after a long race.

the end.

The week of the wedding

Insanity i tell you. Insanity.

One minute we are praying, I am savoring the moment. I feel peace. Not even five minutes later my sister and I are in a horrid fight and I leave ridiculously upset and hurt.

It must be the week before her wedding.